Thankful for good friends, good conversations & learning from bad ones

As I get ready for my Birthday, I’m cleaning house both literally and figuratively.  As I’m working on creating a positive, amazing future, some interesting things happened to me over the past few weeks.

A MATURE CONVERSATION BETWEEN FRIENDS CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE

Most recently, I had some very amazing, adult conversations with friends.  The first was feeling left out of the group and was mature enough to try to figure out what she might be doing wrong.    I  give her a tremendous amount of credit for not blaming everyone else and just letting me know how she felt and asking what was going on.  Really it was nothing, and I didn’t even realize she had been feeling left out.  Our conversation resulted in us feeling even closer as friends.

MY FRIEND COMING TO ME FOR ADVICE PROMPTED ME TO DO THE SAME

Well that prompted me to get a hold of a friend that I haven’t seen too much lately.  We’ve been friends for years and she’s the kind of friend whose conversations just click.  We are in the same field and are totally on the same page about a lot of things.  We could talk to for an hour and it would seem like only ten minutes had passed and  even if we don’t talk for a while, when we do finally talk, it seems like it had just been days, not weeks or months had passed by.  I was feeling really bad about that because I really value that friendship and somewhere along the line we had lost touch and talking daily turned into weekly and then monthly.

We were recently email back and forth about one of her friends who was in the hospital – that’s an entirely other blog post.  Because of what happened, it made me realize how lucky I am to be surrounded by so many amazing people and that I’ve been so busy working on my business that I’ve lost touch with a lot of them or only focused on the business part of the relationship

So now it’s my b-day and I sent out an email about getting people together for various b-day fun.  She couldn’t make it but suggested lunch.  That would be cool, but what I really wanted was to hang out at her beach house which I hadn’t been to in ages.  Nothing can beat getting away with friend and relaxing in a beach chair and loosing yourself in a super cheesy novel, eating wayyyy too much and hanging out in front of a bond fire.  I had really missed that time with friends getting away.  So taking the lead from my first friend, I asked my  about the beach house and asked if I hadn’t been invited because of something I did.

I was so happy that she responded right away and said that I had always been so busy and hadn’t been able to come that she fell out of the habit of inviting me.   WOW, did that make me feel great.  And to think I was agonizing over it when a little simple conversation could have cleared it up ages ago.  She proposed a few weeks and big shocker – I kind of do have things going on in the city, but am going to make it a priority to change my plans so I can get a way.  :0)

THE ONLY WAY TO LET SOMEONE KNOW YOU ARE UPSET IS TO ASK!

The third friend had seemed mad about something for a few weeks. I saw a few snide facebook posts, gotten some curt, short emails and felt the cold shoulder when I saw them at events.  This is someone I had been friends with for a really long time, so it bothered me that they were upset.  I called them to see what was up and they were busy and I hadn’t heard from the since.  Long story short, my friend was  upset about something, called and we cleaned it up.  The whole time each really listening to and understanding each other’s point of view.

AND THEN THERE WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO

The past few weeks have had a few challenges.  I was dealing with crappy people and luckily have both of the out of my life.   I’m going to spend about as much time on talking about them as they deserve (very little!)

The first had a party, I responded at the last minute – that’s just how I roll.  I love and appreciate getting invited to events and parties and don’t always remember to respond.  I was particularly excited about this one because it would have been supporting another friend’s business.  I ended up having a call with one of my mentors/board members right before the party and was jazzed about my to-do list and also had issues with my car.  I opted to stay home and work vs. spending two hours on the el/bus to get there and back.   I send an email letting the person know because I didn’t want to interrupt their party.  Did I get a call or email with concern from said hostess?  Nope, an INCREDIBLY rude DM and then she un-followed me.   I also hear she’s been talking about me behind my back.

MESSAGE TO HATER #1  — Get over it, I couldn’t make it to your party.  I didn’t mean to be rude and it had nothing to do with you.

WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

The second had been who I thought was a good friend for the past few years.  I have helped her tremendously via free tables and exposure at my events, letting her into my events for free, getting her involved with sponsors and talking her up to them, etc.  She did reciprocate by helping me a little, but nothing to the extent of the help I gave her.  That would have been ok, because I like helping people, but when it came time where she could have helped me, she didn’t even think about it.

So when she asked me to hook her up with yet another sponsor, I decided, in the spirit of mature conversation, to tell her that I wasn’t comfortable helping her and a little bit about why.  Did she take the time to find out more about how I felt or how we could work things out?  Of course not, she went on a 3rd grade tirade about how great she was and how just having her at my events was an honor.  There was much more, but I’m not going to waste time on it.  The rub is that she decided that if I wasn’t going to help her any more than I wasn’t worth being friends with.  We had a very unpleasant conversation and I unfriended her which sparked a VERY immature rant and have a very public tantrum.  I kept quiet about it, but did tell some friends who have been a great support.

MESSAGE TO HATER #2 – We should all be helping each other in this small social media community we live in.    No matter how big you think you are, when you are part of someone’s event, it gives you exposure, and you should be grateful.   There is great value in being humble and appreciating other people.  With all the help I gave you, I never got a thank you or felt any gratitude.  There is space for all of us to be successful and I wish you and everyone else the best in your life.  Move on and leave the stress behind.

AND OF COURSE, I’M NOT SNOW WHITE

I realize that in every situation, that there are two people involved and that each plays a part in what happens.  I wish everyone felt that way – but we can only control ourselves. So here’s what I think I could have done better.

Situation #1 – Responding at the last minute is rude, so is canceling at the last minute.  When there’s someone I really want to see at one of my events and they don’t show up, it totally bums me out.  I need to make more of an effort to really decide what I want to be committed to and then follow through.  If I can’t make it, I’ll follow-up with a phone call. So much is lost in the conversation via email and dm.  I wonder how differently things would have gone if I would have just called.

Situation #2 – Not really sure, I still would draw boundaries, but maybe would have tried to figure out why the person felt so affronted by the conversation that they had to go on the attack and tell me how great they were – I should have realized that this person needed more boosting up that I thought.  The more someone has to TELL you how great they are, the less great they usually are.  If  I was in the situation again, I’d make sure they knew I wasn’t doing this to hurt them, but to make sure the friendship is equal.  My other takeaway from the situation is that maybe some relationships just run their course.  I decided I wasn’t going to give any more and that seemed to be all they wanted out of the relationship.   I also get that this lack of ability to give stems from the fact that they don’t even have enough for themselves.  People can’t be giving if they are struggling to make it.

ONWARD AND UPWARD

To celebrate my b-day tomorrow I am going out with some very special friends for apps, drinks and to start “the 100 day challenge” which is an amazing, life changing program, my friend Lilou started.  We will all be picking a goal and then for 100 days, powerfully making that happen!! Stay tuned as I will be announcing my goal and how you can play along.

Wow, that was a lot for one post, hope you learned a little

HUGS


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